"ahhhhhh! finally man. . ."
"i must tell the whole world. . ."okay this joke, the man v suan.. hahas:
-A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'"
kk, in this joke, the person is very bad lol..:
-I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent."
okay this joke i'm not sure you all understand but this means that the ppl very bad cheat the guy la.:
-An elderly retired gentleman had had severe hearing problems for some time.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before.
One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor. The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
this wan i also dun think u all understand cos only smart ppl like me understand such deep, cheem jokes.
-A patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to looked shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price betweem male and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice." said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have been used."
MEANING: men de brains are not used so more exp.. hahahahas. but no offence la, i just ctrl c and ctrl v nia.
-A man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the man moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the childs level, the man smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
The boy replies, "Now we run!"
this joke means that the man actually thought he doing good deed in the end, he helping the child play prank.. HAAAHAHAS..
-On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!"
"That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?"
"Just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!"
"That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied.
The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied.
The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"
The boy replied, "A puppy!"
this joke means that the teacher act cool guess what is the present in the end she ended up tasting urine from the dog. hahahaha....
-A Russian, an American, and a blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
The blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
this joke very lame sia. blonde joke. means that the blonde very stupid.. hahas..
the person in this joke is sooooo ungrateful la..
-A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.
When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
"When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
"You know what?"
"What, dear?" his wife asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
-An engineer dies and goes to heaven. However, when St. Peter meets him at the gate he says, "Wait a second! You're in the wrong place! Beat it!"
So, the engineers goes down to Hell, and gets settled in. He soon becomes dissatisfied with conditions there, and begins to make improvements. Before long, there's running water, flush toilets, escalators, and even air conditioning! The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What! You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there. Send him up right away!"
Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue!"
"Oh, yeah?" the Devil replies. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?!"
LOL this joke means that lawyers never go to heaven.. so cannot sue.. dunno la.. also dunno y they say lawyers don't go to heaven..
okay la, enough of JOKES I DUN THINK YOU ALL UNDERSTAND COS ONLY CHEEM AND DEEP PEOPLE LIKE ME UNDERSTAND. i even kindly added in meanings to aid ppl who dun understand the JOKES I DUN THINK YOU ALL UNDERSTAND COS ONLY CHEEM AND DEEP PEOPLE LIKE ME UNDERSTAND. haha..
yiwen
belated ;/
happy 43th birthday Singapore!
more photos can be found HERE (starting from the second page)
